How to Raise a Competitor (Without Creating Pressure)

If you’re a parent of an athlete, you want your child to be confident. You want them to give great effort, you want them to be a great teammate, and you want to see them compete.

But as parents with these goals for our kids, we walk a tightrope. How do I encourage competition without creating pressure? How do I challenge them to grow and be better, but not cause them to fear failure or think they're 'disappointing' me or others when they do fail?

At 360U, we believe true competitors aren’t built through fear of failure — they’re built through the response to failure that we can teach and model for them.

Here are a few ways you can help encourage your athlete to COMPETE, without piling on the pressure.

1. Praise Effort, Not Just Results

If the only discussions we're having with our athletes on the car ride home are built around winning, losing, batting average, swing mechanics, etc., we're focusing too heavily on the results instead of the process.

Instead of:

• “Did you get a hit?”

• “Did you win?"

Try:

• “I loved your hustle today.”

• “I saw how you competed after that error.”

• “Proud of how you stayed focused.”

These types of questions will teach that effort is success, and that competing is success.

2. let Struggle Be Part of the Process

Struggle isn’t a sign of failure — it’s a sign of growth. It's natural for us as parents to want to fix everything, and save our kids from the struggle, disappointment and challenges that life (or pitchers) throw at them. Being around this game a long time (and experiencing first-hand all of the following), I can promise your athlete will run into most, if not all, of these struggles:

• Tough coaches

• Slumps

• Playing time issues

• Bad games

But picking these battles for our kids, and 'fixing' them on their behalf is a disservice to the them and the lessons to be learned. We need to allow our athletes to struggle, and equip them with the tools to handle these situations on their own. Then, they will learn how to fight through adversity. So as hard as it may be...next time you find them in one of the situations above, allow them to work through hard moments and guide them along the way.

3. Separate Performance From Identity

Your athlete is more than their stat line.

If your child feels:

• Loved when they succeed

• Ashamed when they fail

They won’t compete freely. They’ll compete in fear. No athlete competes when their identity is woven into their stat line. And spoiler alert, these are the types of traits that will continue with your athlete however long they're blessed to play - so this is one we want to get right when they're young. We want our kids to compete with joy and passion for the game as long as they play. This will help avoid resentment towards the game (or us as parents) and burnout later in their careers. We've seen that happen too many times, and it's an absolutely heartbreaking to watch a kid with SO much talent lose their love for the game and cut their career far too short.

4. Model What Competing Looks Like

Like Laura mentioned in her last blog Gritty Parents Foster Gritty Athletes and Children, our kids are constantly watching us - the good, the bad, the ugly. They hear every word (and like my 5 year old son, seems to specifically hear the words said in conversation with my husband that aren't intended for him) so we need to be careful, be intentional, and be disciplined about how we speak to them, and about others. This includes:

• How we handle our own mistakes (including the self-talk we murmur under our breath - yes they hear that too!)

• How we talk about coaches and umpires (no matter how bad that 'strike 3' call was)

• How we respond after losses

It seems obvious, but the more intentional we can be with our actions, our words, and our relationship with struggle and adversity, the more we can ensure we'll create kids who love to compete and never lose their love for the game.